There was a lot of drama in the west end of Chicago at that point, and that made it really difficult to be Hugh Hefner. But somehow, I rose from those ashes, and had a golly good time anyways.

May I kick back and spin you a little tale of my youth?
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You know those guys in Middle School, who could bend themselves over and give themselves head?

I always had to pay Middle School girls to do that for me.

Last night, while making love to two sets of beautiful blonde twins (Mental note: Remember to call the Olsens in a year or two six months.) I made seventies porn music noises with my mouth.

Bow Chicka Wow Wow. Chicka Wow. Bow. Chicka.

Sex used to be so much simpler. Even the names of the acts.

Take "Missionary Position" for example. Seven syllables. A long, elegant name.

And now we've got "Doggie Style." How can you even propose that to a woman while drinking a martini and smoking a fine cigar?

Curse you, Snoop Doggy Dogg. Curse you.